Hello, My Name's Violet and I'm an Addict

Yep, once again I have gone and gotten totally hooked on sugar. I've cleaned my system of it several times and truly once you get through the first three days it's a breeze and it's simple to say "no" to it -but once you start eating it again, ("just a little bit won't hurt me," you tell yourself) it's all over. Downhill slope. Gotta start all over again once you hit rock bottom.

That's pretty much where I am - rock bottom. For a couple months now I've been snarfing everything sugarry I can find in the kitchen, even if I think it tastes awful. I just have to have that sugar fix! And then a little bit later I'll get that awful headache and start snapping at the kids. Worse, since I know what I'm doing is bad for me and I don't want Sweet Pea to emulate me, I hide my fixes from her. For the most part I only eat ice cream after she has gone to bed. I sneak sweet treats out of the pantry when she's in a different room. I've even been known to hide things behind my back if I'm holding them when she walks into the kitchen. Thankfully she's still young enough not to notice I'm being furtive... but probably not for much longer.

Ooooh, how low have I sunk.

I have stopped putting sweet treats on the grocery list, and now we're nearly down to nothing and I'm pacing the kitchen trying to find sweets! I totally sound like I'm in rehab, don't I? So far I haven't sold anything important to keep myself on the sugar, though. ha ha!

It's weird, though. I want to eat cleanly again. I want to get this out of my system and truly teach my children good healthy eating habits for real, without hiding my vices - because I don't want to have any vices to hide. And yet, I REALLY WANT more ice cream, cookies, whatever. I really really want more sweets. Now. NOW. It seems that I cannot be trusted to eat sweets in moderation, so for me it's all or nothing. Having all the sugar I want makes me feel like crap. Having none makes me feel wonderful, but it's so hard to maintain, especially from Halloween through Christmas.

Part of the problem is probably that whenever I make a healthy change, I'm on my own. Slipshod would never do this sort of thing with me. He will keep his sweets/snacks hidden or only take them to work if I ask him to, and sweets are not the kind of crutch for him that they are for me. He can so "no" to them no problem. But... I don't know what it is. I guess I feel deprived somehow, even though I KNOW that I am so much healthier and feel tons more energetic, cheerful, and healthy in general without them.

So I keep knowing that I should ask him to keep the sweets away from me, but not wanting to actually say the words. Because I don't want to have that day where I ask him for ice cream and he says, "okay, is this the place where I'm a hardass and say 'no, you asked me not to get you sweets,' or are you jumping off the wagon?" and usually at that point I'm jumping off the wagon. But it makes me feel even worse to have it pointed out to me, and to have to say right then when I'm doing it, "yes, I'm giving up."